rockettqween

She gets too hungry for dinner at eight
She likes the theater and never comes late
She never bothers with people she'd hate
That's why the lady is a tramp

Well, the current things bothering me are current world events. This must mean I'm feeling better because when I'm in the throws of depression the rest of the world can go to hell. I won't post my opinion here though. I'm too paranoid to get political these days. Plus I've got my own agendas that left or right, you're not gonna agree with.

Sigh....

It gets lonely being libertarian.

Does it make me less of a person to not want to rot in jail for what I believe in?

- Went to the club tonight. Big surprise.

- Got to meet lawst in person finally. Got shy and wussed out on conversation.

- Bought the Mentor a dancing hamster that sings "I'm too Sexy" and waves it's arms around. WP and I saw it and thought of him. I don't know why. He seemed a little weirded out by the gift. "Is that what you think of me? You think I'm a dancing hamster?" Did I mention he was drunk? The hamster got lots of action as he was being passed around the table while playing and vibrating slightly with the waving arms. He was nestled in several pairs of cleavage, a few necks, and a couple of laps. The hamster definitely was "too sexy." Lucky little bastard.

- Nothing else particularly interesting has been going on. I'm less homicidal and hopeless tonight than I was earlier in the week. Maybe the St. John's Wort is working.

- My sex drive is slowly coming back on line.

- killer_queen__ has the rubber nun suit!!! No fair!!! I've been coveting one for a while now. Waaahhhhh... I need a job so I can buy a rubber nun suit.

- I'm really hungry.

- We got a space heater!!! I won't freeze!!!

So, I have a terrible confession to make. About three weeks into my menstrual cycle I suddenly have this urge to buy a woman's magazine. A symptom of PMS making me hate myself. Not just any woman's magazine....

COSMOFUCKINGPOLITAN.

I swear it's the mind of a stupid straight girl laid bare for all to see.

The worst offender this month: Why do women cheat?

Ooohh... The shocking expose on women who cheat on their mates. Even though of course men are the worst offenders (according to cosmo anyway) this article actually said, "Infidelity among women is on the rise. In this day and age women are just as likely to cheat on men. TV shows like Sex & the City are promoting the idea of sex for pleasure and women are buying into it."

Oh my god? SEX FOR PLEASURE? How dare women buy into such a terrible idea?

Sex is dirty and evil.... You should save it for the one you love.

Imagine. Before TV shows like Sex and the City, many women had no idea sex could be pleasurable!!!! Imagine!!!! Now they're cheating on their partners!!! Holy Fuck!!!

It also says, "If you find yourself having the desire to cheat, you should completely avoid being alone with your object of desire and take a step back to reassess your relationship with your partner." It continues to say that if you cheat the absolutely dumbest thing you can do is confess because "women are more likely to forgive cheating than men. Men will more likely disconnect from the relationship."

This implies that women are weak, first of all because they can't be alone with their temptation and second, that they get these naughty notions that sex can be pleasurable from tv shows. (obviously they couldn't figure out that sex was pleasurable before.) Men are weak, because they can't handle the information that their lily white girlfriend just cheated on them so a girl would be dumb to risk losing the most important thing to them (their man).

Okay, cheating's a tough subject. What is cheating anyway? I got into an argument with someone I found through a LJ random search who decided that his girlfriend merely wanting to have sex with someone else was cheating. My opinion was that was ridiculous and that also kills some degree of communication since his girlfriend then has to hide desire from him.

Maybe my workout partner and I are weird. I talk to him about just about every sexual notion that flits into my head and what I'd like to do about it. I also talk about just about every sexual thing I've ever done. This doesn't generally cause any sort of argument. A debate and some negotiating maybe. But it's not worth ending anything over. In my opinion, it never is.

Sexual desire is too unpredictable and unexplainable to put strict, unchanging, ideas on. If sex is not the basis for your relationship, it shouldn't end it either.

If my partner wished to have sex with someone else, I'd like a little warning, a reassurance, a "You know, I think it'd be fun to do that one...."

A sexual affair, done openly is to me far less damaging than an "emotional affair" done on the sly. Having sex is one thing, hiding things from me and leaving me is another thing. Moving someone else in is also not cool. Putting someone else first besides me also goes strictly against my relationship code. I'm the alpha female, my partner is the alpha male and nobody better forget it.

Cosmopolitan can lick my twat.

Of course, they don't do that sort of thing. They wrote another "shocker" in another issue about women making out with their female friends in bars!!! Another OH MY GOD. I won't go off on that one just now.

I feel myself getting sick again.

That really sucks.

Must mainline vitamin c.

Must eat gluten free soy cheese pizza with lots and lots of MEAT on it and take a nap.

May see blood, hockey, and ice tonight. Haven't decided if we can really afford it.

Gotta go to chiropractor pronto. Can barely move neck.

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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Well, still a couple of weeks or so until I figure out if the St. John's Wort is working.

I was supposed to call a couple of people this week to go hang out and haven't been able to bring myself to use the phone.

Dragged myself out to some Pretty People's 12-step meeting. Didn't stay to chat with anyone really, I sometimes don't want to talk to people when I'm on the verge of answering the question, "how are you?" with the truth.

Caring fucking maggots. Tell them you're having a rough time of it and they look for a quick escape.

Plus I'm shy.

Believe it or not. Many don't. I may appear confident, scary, etc. so people don't think I have a problem with this.

Take for example, meeting people online. People on your friends list. That you've never really met before. Here are the people reading your psycho babble on a daily basis. The ones that read about your sex life, your depression, your rage, your desire etc. All I seem to be able to do when I meet someone is say, "um, hi." and scurry away. Somewhere in the back of my head I think of some entry I probably shouldn't have posted and think, gee they know I like it in the butt occasionally and have PTSD episodes where I run and hide in the closet. You've therefore skipped right over a lot of the whole "getting to know you" part right there.

Of course, conversation in general has been difficult lately. Unless it's someone I've known for a while or someone I verbally spar with. I'll head out into the main room of a club, and find myself involved in conversation hoping for the exit, the song I need to dance to or the pool game with my name on it.

Some of the people I talk to, I'd love to say more to. I'd love to get to know. But lately I think, I just need to hide!! Shit!!! Quick before I do something dumb!!!

Then it hits me. I can't do conversation so I have to do something weird. I'll spontaneously break into the hand jive. I'll try to get the person I'm talking to to do a kick line. I'll make a loud noise or say something like, "You know, if I was running through the club swinging an axe, no one would bump into me." And then I make my quick exit. With a twirl, a twist, a splash of performance and a smile. Therefore affirming my place in the goth club food chain: at the top.


I gotta get off this thing. I need food.

I scored a 100% on the "are you fuckable?" Quizie! What about you?


Now if only the overhanging neon-sign of depression wasn't the fact that my sex drive has dropped to the deepest darkest depths of the fathomless ocean. I know it's bad when this happens. My normal drive is downright masculine.

Hasn't stopped me from having sex dreams though.

Oddly enough, sex dreams are something I almost never have but in the last few weeks I've had a few of them. Like real enjoyable ones. Not the trauma-related sex nightmares I ocassionally have. I wake up going, huh? Why is it my sex drive is so low when I'm awake and ravenous when I'm asleep?

I don't really get it.

I seem to be getting sick again as well. It's only been a couple weeks since I recovered from my previous illness. All the depression and anxiety overload must be eroding my immune system. My joints, they be achin'.

Bleh.

Name Four Bad Habits You Have:
1. plotting murder
2. farting
3. punching myself in the head
4. shoplifting

Name Four Things That You Wish You Had:
1. an axe
2. a penis
3. a ducati
4. a naked girl tied up in my closet

Name Four Scents You Love:
1. Napalm in the morning
2. Pussy
3. Rubber Cement (mmmm.... can't get enough)
4. That post sex-smell that permeates the room

Name Four People That Know You the Best:
1. Elvis Presley
2. Jesus
3. John Lennon
4. Sid Vicious

Name Four Things You'd Never Wear:
1. a hazmat suit
2. an orange jumpsuit
3. a straight jacket
4. A suit made of steak in a lion cage

Name Four Things You Are Thinking About Now:
1. butt sex
2. napalm
3. a naked girl tied up in my closet
4. moon boots

Name Four People You Would Like To Spend More Time With:
1. a good doctor
2. a good shrink
3. a good lawyer
4. a good shaman

Name Four Bands/Groups Most People Don't Know You Like:
1. Rubber Bands
2. Hair Bands
3. Wedding Bands
4. ABBA

Name Four Drinks You Regularly Drink:
1. Milk of Magnesia
2. Robitussin
3. Semen
4. Black Bitter Coffee

Sorry. Had to do it. Thanks Miss Laura Palmer! I'm happier now.

Better when I'm not twitching. Someday I'll quit smoking. Quit drinking and doing drugs. That's the first step. Oh wait, the first step is to admit that you're powerless. Oh well.

Sometimes I think you shouldn't post deep felt nastiness on live journal. Then again, you get feedback from numerous people and start to feel like you're not that bad. Thanks everybody.

Still alive and kicking. Will go out dancing tonight at the Vogue after playing a little pool at the Mercury. Although since I haven't been crying all day I don't know that I'll be playing all that fabulously.

Mmmph...

I'll give the St. John's Wort a little time to work. Try to stay occupied until then. I can only deal with my personal demons so much. Food is cooking.

The mentor loaned me a book called Fermata by Nicholson Baker. He says it's of the erotic type that I might enjoy. After I read that I should hit the used book store and try to get a hold of some more Henry Miller. The haphazard rambling style and the simple joys contained therein make me happy. Even if he's kind of a misogynist. In some ways so am I but only against the women embodying everything I hate about the female stereotype. The female friends I have don't really do this. There's a type I used to refer to as "Poodle Girls". The ones that never try to break out of the shopping, man-worshipping, gotta find a mate now, jealous, gossiping, victim-perpetuating, I-make-less-money-than-your-average-man-for-a-reason, Ally McBeal watching, sex-is-bad-and-should-be-used-as-a-commodity stereotype.

Ooh. Food's ready.