Oct. 11th, 2002

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What Is Your True Aura Colour?

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Yeah. Fucking Whatever. Optimistic my ass. Fun loving? Yeah, sure, when I'm not trying to crawl under a rock or watching the fucking news or thinking.


Like a happy face. A banana. A happy school bus loaded down with happy children.

Yellow is also the background color for hazardous waste stickers and Jose Cuervo a.k.a. jet fuel. Yellow is the color of a certain kind of baby shit and the corn in your crap disturbing you as it winks from the toilet bowl.

I'm still kind of unhappy, I think.

I must be. I normally don't assault myself with Queensryche.
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Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?

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Well, still a couple of weeks or so until I figure out if the St. John's Wort is working.

I was supposed to call a couple of people this week to go hang out and haven't been able to bring myself to use the phone.

Dragged myself out to some Pretty People's 12-step meeting. Didn't stay to chat with anyone really, I sometimes don't want to talk to people when I'm on the verge of answering the question, "how are you?" with the truth.

Caring fucking maggots. Tell them you're having a rough time of it and they look for a quick escape.

Plus I'm shy.

Believe it or not. Many don't. I may appear confident, scary, etc. so people don't think I have a problem with this.

Take for example, meeting people online. People on your friends list. That you've never really met before. Here are the people reading your psycho babble on a daily basis. The ones that read about your sex life, your depression, your rage, your desire etc. All I seem to be able to do when I meet someone is say, "um, hi." and scurry away. Somewhere in the back of my head I think of some entry I probably shouldn't have posted and think, gee they know I like it in the butt occasionally and have PTSD episodes where I run and hide in the closet. You've therefore skipped right over a lot of the whole "getting to know you" part right there.

Of course, conversation in general has been difficult lately. Unless it's someone I've known for a while or someone I verbally spar with. I'll head out into the main room of a club, and find myself involved in conversation hoping for the exit, the song I need to dance to or the pool game with my name on it.

Some of the people I talk to, I'd love to say more to. I'd love to get to know. But lately I think, I just need to hide!! Shit!!! Quick before I do something dumb!!!

Then it hits me. I can't do conversation so I have to do something weird. I'll spontaneously break into the hand jive. I'll try to get the person I'm talking to to do a kick line. I'll make a loud noise or say something like, "You know, if I was running through the club swinging an axe, no one would bump into me." And then I make my quick exit. With a twirl, a twist, a splash of performance and a smile. Therefore affirming my place in the goth club food chain: at the top.

I gotta get off this thing. I need food.
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What kind of punk are you?

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Funny, WP and I got up early today and went to the dislocated worker seminar at the unemployment office.

Nothing like going to worksource with the one you love.

Maybe it was Auburn, maybe it was the time of day, but I had to lean over to WP after looking around at the rest of the class and say, "Wow. You and I are really attractive."

I guess the pretty people aren't out at 8:30 in the morning in Auburn.
rockettqween: (Default)
I feel myself getting sick again.

That really sucks.

Must mainline vitamin c.

Must eat gluten free soy cheese pizza with lots and lots of MEAT on it and take a nap.

May see blood, hockey, and ice tonight. Haven't decided if we can really afford it.

Gotta go to chiropractor pronto. Can barely move neck.


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