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[personal profile] rockettqween

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?

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Well, still a couple of weeks or so until I figure out if the St. John's Wort is working.

I was supposed to call a couple of people this week to go hang out and haven't been able to bring myself to use the phone.

Dragged myself out to some Pretty People's 12-step meeting. Didn't stay to chat with anyone really, I sometimes don't want to talk to people when I'm on the verge of answering the question, "how are you?" with the truth.

Caring fucking maggots. Tell them you're having a rough time of it and they look for a quick escape.

Plus I'm shy.

Believe it or not. Many don't. I may appear confident, scary, etc. so people don't think I have a problem with this.

Take for example, meeting people online. People on your friends list. That you've never really met before. Here are the people reading your psycho babble on a daily basis. The ones that read about your sex life, your depression, your rage, your desire etc. All I seem to be able to do when I meet someone is say, "um, hi." and scurry away. Somewhere in the back of my head I think of some entry I probably shouldn't have posted and think, gee they know I like it in the butt occasionally and have PTSD episodes where I run and hide in the closet. You've therefore skipped right over a lot of the whole "getting to know you" part right there.

Of course, conversation in general has been difficult lately. Unless it's someone I've known for a while or someone I verbally spar with. I'll head out into the main room of a club, and find myself involved in conversation hoping for the exit, the song I need to dance to or the pool game with my name on it.

Some of the people I talk to, I'd love to say more to. I'd love to get to know. But lately I think, I just need to hide!! Shit!!! Quick before I do something dumb!!!

Then it hits me. I can't do conversation so I have to do something weird. I'll spontaneously break into the hand jive. I'll try to get the person I'm talking to to do a kick line. I'll make a loud noise or say something like, "You know, if I was running through the club swinging an axe, no one would bump into me." And then I make my quick exit. With a twirl, a twist, a splash of performance and a smile. Therefore affirming my place in the goth club food chain: at the top.

I gotta get off this thing. I need food.


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October 2002

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