rockettqween

PMS officially started Saturday. Feel free to fear me for the next week.

Can you reach out through my monitor and rip my balls off over the internet? If not I won't be too concerned...

I want to move back to Capitol Hill.

Eeep! Maybe you are within ball-grabbing range!! AAAAIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!

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Hmmm... you live where?

Don't worry too much about me ripping anyone's balls off. I'm far too pro-sex.

I'd just worry about your head.

And I am all powerful. Except my current problem with my hands might make reaching through a monitor too much of a painful process....

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Hmmm... you live where?

Maryland, but out in the boonies. I have a long commute to civilization.

Don't worry too much about me ripping anyone's balls off. I'm far too pro-sex.

That's a relief. Of course that doesn't stop my girlfriend threatening mine when she's wound up, even though she'd regret it later...

I'd just worry about your head.

"But my brain is my second-favorite organ!" -Woody Allen

And I am all powerful. Except my current problem with my hands might make reaching through a monitor too much of a painful process....

Yeah, I saw that. I know people who have arthritis like that. (At first when you mentioned finger pain, I thought it was carpal tunnels -- I have to use one of those special keyboards myself or I can't move my fingers by the end of the day.)

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Ah. I was referring to a different Capitol Hill. Seattle's gay, leather, hipster, artist, musician drawing neighborhood.

I never threaten my boyfriend's genitals. I tend to enjoy making use of them. Besides, he seems to sense when I might threaten bodily harm and wanders off to read a book or something.

Hmmm.... Carpal Tunnel. That's also been suggested along with arthritis, pinched nerves, and fibromyalgia. Maybe I should try the special keyboard.

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Oops. I shouldn't have assumed you meant my Capitol Hill. My badd. I made a mistake, so now I have to take a shot. **gulp** Mmm, that was good. I think I'll make more mistakes.

It takes a little while to get used to the wavy ergonomic keyboard; but I can type on one all day and my fingers are fine.

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Simple mistake. Ooh.. You technically spelled bad wrong. Better take another shot.

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**gulp**

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What is "Shadow Self Integration"?

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Um, In a nutshell it's dealing with the dark parts of your psyche and personality and accepting them and dealing with them so you can get past them and get on with your life so as not to be imprisoned by them. Or something. Kind of hard to explain.

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I understand perfectly. Remember my cast of characters? I'm doing the same thing, but with meds and counseling at the VA...I've also been doing a lot of research into my "condition" as well as contributing to various studies and programs to help others. My figuring is that if I can't be fixed, maybe I can help someone else down the line.

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Ack. Brave woman. Meds and counseling took me down a scary scary path. But it of course didn't help that I discovered along the way that I'm allergic to most head meds. Except of course the addictive ones for anxiety that they hardly ever prescribe for a past substance abuser. I only got those to counteract the meds I took that caused a psychotic allergic reaction. So I've been looking into alternative means of therapy. Hopefully something will work.

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I'm fortunate enough to have found a doc who let me take an active part in my medications. If something wasn't working, it got changed right away. The combonation I'm on is the end result of her and I going through a book of everything she could possibly give me and discussing the pros and cons of each. I pretty much got to choose my own. If it weren't for the meds, I couldn't have faced counseling. I'd probably have lost my family by now, if not my life. I've been told I'm addicted. I'm cool with that because if I'm addicted to anything, it's feeling normal. Better the legal head meds than street drugs or booze, and far better than being a raving lunatic.

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Wow. Who's your doctor? I could use someone like that. If you're not comfortable posting it, my email address is on my user info page.

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Unfortunately, you can't go see my doctor because she works for the Veteran's Administration hospital. Her specialty is treating female veterans with PTSD, both combat and sexual related. I can, however, ask her if there is anyone she knows outside of the VA.

I don't mind posting all this stuff or talking about it. I figure that if it's out in the open my friends are less likely to panic if I tweak for some reason. I'm getting a lot better, but I'm still prone to an occassional flashback if I'm not paying attention to myself.

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Oh yeah, I figured that out a few minutes after posting. I don't have any combat related trauma, but I do have some PTSD from some situations I found myself in as a younger person. I kind of know where you're coming from. It's a good thing I have a patient boyfriend who doesn't take my sudden occasional flashbacks in bed personally. We're actually able to joke about my running and hiding in the closet now as long as I'm not in the middle of one.

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It's good to have a patient partner. Jason's been amazing over the years. I know there are a few times when he was on the verge of leaving me, but I'm grateful he didn't. He's been a big part of helping me work stuff out. I'm finally at the point where I can joke about the flashbacks. When I talk about what caused them, I tend to either avoid the subject or make light of it, depending on my mood. I rarely talk about the details of the shit I went through in Somalia at any length. I'd rather tell the funny stories, although "funny" is rather sujective when you're talking war. The things a person finds amusing tend to get a bit skewed under pressure.

I guess the most important thing I've learned is that it's never going to go away. Once I got a handle on that simple fact I was better able to get on with dealing with the other stuff. It's been a long process of dealing with my anger, washing the blood off my hands and exorcizing my ghosts.

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I believe a twisted sense of humor is a necessary survival skill. Hang in there and look out for flying baby powder.

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