Raahr

A YELLOW Dragon Lies Beneath!

I took the Inner Dragon online quiz and found out I am a Yellow Dragon on the inside. My Inner Dragon is the most interesting of all. Yellows are the fourth rarest dragon of all (after Gold, Platinum and Chromatic dragons). They spend the vast majority of their time soaring high above the ground, often for no particular reason. They love to be in the air, and are thus typified as the Air Elemental dragon. All of the Elemental dragons are technically aligned "Chaotic Evil" but a Yellow is about as close as they come to being Neutral. So if you catch me being sweet, it's perfectly normal. But it might be a feint.



I like to spend time in silent, aerial meditation and would only really attack someone if provoked. My favorable attributes are the sunrise, Spring, incense, clouds, and any kind of helpful air current. When it's needed, my breath weapon is pure bolts of Lightning. How's that for a neat piece of carry-on luggage? See you amongst the clouds!

Strangers With This Kind of Honesty Make Me Go a Big Rubbery One

This is coming out of left field, so please don't harass me about this too much.
Ack. I'm coming to the realization that unlike many of my friends, I would like to raise children. Now, I already have one who is not in my care due to the fact that I had him at a point in my life where I could barely take care of myself.

I can still barely take care of myself so I'm not planning on procreating real soon. But I want to.

I'm not ready but since my son was removed from my care I've had a hole inside the size of the grand canyon. It's a pain no previous heartbreak ever came close to approximating.

No more will I ever take him for granted.

Lately, everytime I see a baby or a child I have to fight back tears. It doesn't matter where I see them. In a movie, at the store, in a picture. I think about how long it's been since I've held a baby. How fucked up I was when my son was that little. How screwed up my life was and the kind of people I had around us. I knew basically nothing at that time but I can't seem to be able to stop beating myself up over it.

A year and a half ago, I had an abortion because I thought it was the right thing to do. I still question that decision. Big huge pro-life movement billboards don't help me forget. Mostly because afterwards, I felt this huge sense of loss, like a piece of my soul was missing. My ex divorced me over it. (It was his)

I found it disconcerting how little support I received afterwards. It completely tore me up but there was enough shaming, "Haven't you ever heard of birth control?" that I wouldn't talk about it. There were a few sympathetic creatures (well, like two) but they were both male, with no children and one of them was obsessed with me. My ex-husband wouldn't forgive me for it. Well, to everyone who said that, FUCK YOU!!!!!! I got pregnant the same way you got gonorrhea motherfuckers! I don't know a single god damned person who hasn't had unprotected sex at least once in their life. Granted I became extra extra careful afterwards, but still. Quite honestly, my motivation for terminating stemmed from the fact that I was maintaining a shaky long distance relationship and thought suddenly moving back and assuming the role of expectant mother in a relationship with someone I hadn't lived with in a few years with the added stress children place on relating to another person with the very good possibility of living in poverty seemed like repeating the same situation my son began his life with. My decision was based on love for the child I was carrying. I really didn't want to give it up. I felt very connected to it even though it resembled a tiny alien at the time.

In reality, there is no other reason for having children than plain old selfishness. That's why I want to be in a position to have another one someday. Plain old what having one would do for me. Children provide a hobby, a validation, soothing the fear that no one will remember you when you're gone because you've passed on your DNA.

The good thing that came out of it were the fact that it made me treasure the child I have even more and no longer regret that I brought him in to this world. Plus I got to realize that my ex was pretty insensitive. There was no way in the world he was up for parenting again at the time and he knew it but wouldn't admit it. He is currently flat broke, sleeping on a couch waiting for his settlement to come in from getting run over by a car claiming he made a big mistake with me but the phrase "too little too late" comes to mind

I'm not my usual cynical, cheerful self as of late. I haven't felt this broken for a while.

I feel like I've had to hide everything and not be a downer for a lot of people.

I have mixed feelings about live journal sometimes. It's validating that people read your stuff sometimes whereas it's easier to read than listen to someone sometimes. Maybe too many people find out too many things about you. At some point I was going to write an autobiography anyway.

I would never keep a journal any other way I don't think. Even the most personal of shit I've written, I've shown it to someone else. A witness to my feelings and my life.

So enough depressing shit....

What's been going on.....

-Hit Rocky Horror in Tacoma this weekend. Played Janet. I like the Seattle crowd much better. Brought my workout partner and our roommate's significant something or other (the screamer in the next room). She was a "virgin" so we of course told on her and she was appropriatly decherried. After show gathering consisted of some people sitting around watching Labrynth. Movie contained cute child. I had to go.

-Woke up. Was treated to gluten free crepes with lots of butter and powderd sugar and BACON!

-Was late to meeting with sponsor because of a 40 minute "quickie" and a pit stop for espresso.

-Met with sponsor to go through the "Big Book". Drank tea.

-Went to depressing 10'oclock meeting on Eastside. Drank more coffee. Decided not to go out.

-Updated Journal. Continuing to update journal as my caffiene intake was much higher than usual today. Not used to so much caffiene. Will probably be online for awhile as it is keeping me out of trouble.

Quick! Limited Edition!

LiveJournal Trading Cards Free Account Edition rockettqween User Number: 499413 Date Created:3-18-02 Number of Posts: 141 Rockettqween is a very confused, very strange individual. Think Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany's Strengths: Sense of Humor, Jedi Mind Tricks, Hot Weaknesses: Allergic to everything, Alcoholic, Moody Special Skills: Dancing Well In High Heels, Plays Good Pool, Winning People Over Weapons: Razor Wit, Intelligence, Manipulation Motto: It doesn't matter what people say about me, as long as they say something.

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Still Awake

I'm half tempted to dye my hair pink.

Still Awake

I am your singing telegram.

Things You Already Know

My Workout Partner Rocks.

Not much changing.

I'm still half tempted to dye my hair pink.

I don't know if it'd go with my dark red uber-geek Rocket Queen glasses.

Hmmmm....

I'm actually happy it's raining.

It smells really good outside.

More random stuff.

I've had the song, "Build Me Up Buttercup" going through my head for days.

MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and I watched The Cell a couple nights ago. That is one stupid film. A major release should not attempt to be an art film. Especially when Jennifer Lopez is involved. She looked really hot with the sword, though.

I think I need to eat.

If I was an action superhero, I'd want to be a master of blades. Swordfighting is so sexy.

Yeah, Kung Fu and knives and swordfighting. Yeah. That'd be cool