Strangers With This Kind of Honesty Make Me Go a Big Rubbery One

[rockettqween]

This is coming out of left field, so please don't harass me about this too much.
Ack. I'm coming to the realization that unlike many of my friends, I would like to raise children. Now, I already have one who is not in my care due to the fact that I had him at a point in my life where I could barely take care of myself.

I can still barely take care of myself so I'm not planning on procreating real soon. But I want to.

I'm not ready but since my son was removed from my care I've had a hole inside the size of the grand canyon. It's a pain no previous heartbreak ever came close to approximating.

No more will I ever take him for granted.

Lately, everytime I see a baby or a child I have to fight back tears. It doesn't matter where I see them. In a movie, at the store, in a picture. I think about how long it's been since I've held a baby. How fucked up I was when my son was that little. How screwed up my life was and the kind of people I had around us. I knew basically nothing at that time but I can't seem to be able to stop beating myself up over it.

A year and a half ago, I had an abortion because I thought it was the right thing to do. I still question that decision. Big huge pro-life movement billboards don't help me forget. Mostly because afterwards, I felt this huge sense of loss, like a piece of my soul was missing. My ex divorced me over it. (It was his)

I found it disconcerting how little support I received afterwards. It completely tore me up but there was enough shaming, "Haven't you ever heard of birth control?" that I wouldn't talk about it. There were a few sympathetic creatures (well, like two) but they were both male, with no children and one of them was obsessed with me. My ex-husband wouldn't forgive me for it. Well, to everyone who said that, FUCK YOU!!!!!! I got pregnant the same way you got gonorrhea motherfuckers! I don't know a single god damned person who hasn't had unprotected sex at least once in their life. Granted I became extra extra careful afterwards, but still. Quite honestly, my motivation for terminating stemmed from the fact that I was maintaining a shaky long distance relationship and thought suddenly moving back and assuming the role of expectant mother in a relationship with someone I hadn't lived with in a few years with the added stress children place on relating to another person with the very good possibility of living in poverty seemed like repeating the same situation my son began his life with. My decision was based on love for the child I was carrying. I really didn't want to give it up. I felt very connected to it even though it resembled a tiny alien at the time.

In reality, there is no other reason for having children than plain old selfishness. That's why I want to be in a position to have another one someday. Plain old what having one would do for me. Children provide a hobby, a validation, soothing the fear that no one will remember you when you're gone because you've passed on your DNA.

The good thing that came out of it were the fact that it made me treasure the child I have even more and no longer regret that I brought him in to this world. Plus I got to realize that my ex was pretty insensitive. There was no way in the world he was up for parenting again at the time and he knew it but wouldn't admit it. He is currently flat broke, sleeping on a couch waiting for his settlement to come in from getting run over by a car claiming he made a big mistake with me but the phrase "too little too late" comes to mind

I'm not my usual cynical, cheerful self as of late. I haven't felt this broken for a while.

I feel like I've had to hide everything and not be a downer for a lot of people.

I have mixed feelings about live journal sometimes. It's validating that people read your stuff sometimes whereas it's easier to read than listen to someone sometimes. Maybe too many people find out too many things about you. At some point I was going to write an autobiography anyway.

I would never keep a journal any other way I don't think. Even the most personal of shit I've written, I've shown it to someone else. A witness to my feelings and my life.

Comments

[izador.livejournal.com]

How does Workout Partner feel about kids in the future?

Re:

[rockettqween.livejournal.com]

He said he'd like to have them in the future after we'd stabilized for a few years. This is my feeling as well. It's just a matter of getting stable employment, housing and making sure our relationship was SOLID before trying to add a third party into the mix. Im one who'd like to learn from mistakes so I don't repeat them and affect someone smaller than me in a negative way. Once you're an adult you create your own destiny but as a child you're very susceptible to your environment.

[izador.livejournal.com]

That's great that he's also interested in having kids when the time is right! A long term goal to look forward to. And I don't doubt that you'd *both* make good parents when the time is right. : )

Re:

[rockettqween.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I hope so.

Say, I haven't seen you at the Merc lately. Where you been? We've missed you at the pool table.