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[personal profile] rockettqween
My depression has hit a terrifyingly clinical status. Pulled out the St. John's Wort and am trying to weather the storm as I don't have any medical insurance or money for the naturopath and I'm not about to go through the nightmare of state funded mental health care again. Woke up early (11am!!) and proceded to do absolutely nothing save for finishing On the Road and feeding pepperoni to cats while periodically bursting into tears until about 6pm at which point I took a 2 hour nap so that I had enough energy to cry some more.

Oh yeah. I ate some candy too.

Dragged myself out to the Mercury around midnight. Why is it the only place you can go when severely depressed is the club? Namely a goth club on "Spooky Kid Night". I just wanted to play pool.

Depression does wonders for your pool game. I was putting together 3-5 ball runs continuously throughout the night. I didn't lose much. And just barely when I did. Normally this would make me happy. Right now not much is making me happy.

Perhaps Kerouac just compounded all the shit that's been going on. On the Road. I haven't been "On the Road" for 3 years now and that's something that feeds my soul. There's something that takes care of you when you're traveling without a purpose. I have a hard time having faith in any god except the one that takes care of you when you're "On the Road".

There I am reading about all the things I used to do (save taking benzedrine and listening to Bop. It was after all, the late forties not the late nineties.) It triggered memories of all the annoying drunken episodes that get me thrown out of airports in Vegas and cause me to hop on a plane going anywhere in Tucson, sleeping in a train station in LA, detoxing in San Diego, coming close to death in New Orleans, getting knocked up in Denver, and freezing in San Francisco(!) among other things. Knowing that no matter what happens, you'll be okay.

For some reason that kind of faith doesn't translate to staying in one place and attempting to be responsible.

Quite frankly, I was all set to go on the road again this last March. I used the excuse of Suicide Boy's ridiculous plan of moving to Miami and starting over. I wasn't going for him. But it was warm.... The secret plan was to ditch him in Miami, get a job at some club on Miami beach, raise some cash and take off for Key West to be a bum for a while, then moving back up the coast towards New York and then coming back home through the southwest.

But something happened. Now I've got somebody. Somebody that can't go on the road with me. We've gotten a bit serious. I feel kind of torn between hitting the road and trying to start over in the city I've started over in so many failed times before.

Having a hard time shaking this depression. Starts when the weather changes. I get cold really easily. Circulation disorder. I'm overly seasonal affective. The fact that it's so early in October and it's gotten this bad scares me a little. It's usually not until the Holidays start and the sun goes away and it stays somewhere between 38-42 degrees with no sun, just gray skies and short days that my depression kicks in. Every year I swear I can't spend another winter in Seattle. This year with my Miami venture that went sour, I thought I wasn't going to have to spend another winter in Seattle. Oops. The most successful winter in Seattle I've spent was one where I took off for Vegas the first weekend of November with the intent of staying for three days and wound up staying for 3 and a half weeks, my second trip that year having gone in late September to Vegas and Tucson for a week, only this time I managed to squeeze in San Diego.

I got back just in time for the WTO riots which made me happy since I lived downtown and just looove chaos. Except on the big night I couldn't get ahold of any of my baby sitters since they were all out protesting. I didn't want to protest, I just wanted to go absorb all the calamity. But I didn't have a gas mask to fit a 2 year old. So I had to be content with the folks fleeing down the street in front of my apartment building, eyes red from multiple tear gassings, screaming entertaining slogans and my friend up the street on the hill calling me up and cursing the rabid gassing as he'd been hit trying to get a burrito at Bimbo's.

I spent December and then in January when the air gets stale and my depression peaks and the money runs thinner than usual except I escaped for a week to New Orleans. That was '99-'00. Winter.

The following winter I worked 40 salaried hours a week (yes, that means 50) managing a club at night. Going out to the club on the other nights. Consumed the winter. Didn't have time to get cold. Was distracted enough to put off depression until later when I got fired, dumped and had my kid taken away all in the same wonderful month of June '01.

I still haven't recovered. I didn't make it through the following winter without cracking, going off the wagon and drinking again. The only thing keeping me going was the promise of the warmth and tropical temperatures of southern Florida. I was freshly divorced, barely working for chump change at a PTSD inducing migrant sex worker job, and mostly reliant on someone who was as clinically depressed and worthless as I'm becoming.

Now he's gone and I find myself on the other end of the spectrum. The depressed one. The one you have to dust around and turn so as not to get bed sores. FUCK. The only difference is Suicide Boy was content and accepting of his depression. He had no desire to change it. Or get better. No incentive. Apparently he is living the exact same life in Florida with the exact same job except he says he likes it better because no one gets annoyed with him for laying in bed all day and not wanting to have sex. Oh, and it's too hot in Miami. I wish he would just die like he says he wants to so badly. I'm not feeling particularly zen right now.

I'm feeling like a leech and a failure today. The furnace doesn't work too well in our house. It heats unevenly. I'm too fucking cold. And I'm frustrated. And if one more person suggests that I get help from the state I'm going to split their skull open.

Get it people? I TRIED THAT. SEVERAL TIMES. I've been broke with no food and no job and on the edge of eviction. They HAVE NOT HELPED ME. My last attempt to seek help from the state led to my son being taken away over a box of benadryl fallen on the floor and enforced drug and alcohol treatment, random UA's twice a week, EVEN THOUGH I'd been practicing sobriety for a year and a half at that point and had never even sampled one of the drugs they accused me of using. I went to ask them for help for child care and food. They figured they'd just take my kid away so I didn't need child care. And you guessed it, I didn't get any food stamps either. Just a bill I can't pay to my parents that the state's collecting that they're threatining to take away licenses and passports over if I don't come up with the cash soon.

I've tried to get medical care for a procedure I wound up having to hit up a nice Italian family that kind of adopted me for a while for the cash for because well, I was denied.

I've worked over the amount of hours needed for unemployment times over. I've been denied.

I've attempted to get mental health care. I wound up on meds that landed me in the emergency room (not a covered expense that I'm still supposed to pay for somehow.) Doctors that gave me stuff I was allergic to, saying, "I don't know what's wrong with you but there's definitely something wrong." Gee thanks.

No. There's no love in my heart for the state of Washington's government.

Washington State: Doing what's in "YOUR BEST INTEREST" since 1888.

The fucked up child protective laws, the divorce laws, the welfare is only for the hopeless not the people who are trying to get back on their feet laws, the anti-stripper laws that lead to more nastiness and prostitution than necessary.

I'm fucking pissed off today.

I'm upset.

If it wasn't for my workout partner I might have thrust myself out a two story window today.

I gotta stop crying so much.

I'm just trying to have faith in something and realizing that while I had faith at some point, it's on it's way out and that's a nasty nasty feeling to have.

I'm going to shut up now.

Date: 2002-10-09 09:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm so the wrong person to be trying to say anything meaningful or helpful. So I won't.Instead,I'll say something totally selfish. Please don't go away. I like you. I never run across people I like. I would miss you.


Date: 2002-10-09 05:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm not going away. It's a *two* story window. And ya know, if I was traveling around the country, I'd probably stop in at Kinko's or the like to at least update LJ.

You like me? Awww... shucks. But'cha don't even know me!

Date: 2002-10-09 10:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
no,but I know what you write. It's vulgar,crude,sensual,intelligent,fragile,honest,blunt,direct,open,sexy,naked,complicated,and a host of other things. If nothing else,I like that very much.


Date: 2002-10-10 04:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Wow! That's one hell of a warm fuzzy(?)! Thanks.

You know when I was in like, first grade, the teacher was talking about everyone giving each other warm fuzzies. I, being a lover of stuffed animals at the time was excited because I thought that meant I was going to get some more stuffed animals. I was really pissed off when I found out that wasn't true.


Date: 2002-10-09 10:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
all i can say, truthfully, (about some points of this post, anyway) is: i completely fuckin' feel ya, sister.

let's get ice picks and hockey masks and go on a killing spree.

Re: speechless

Date: 2002-10-09 05:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Ooohhh... Killing spree. You're the second person to mention that in less that 24 hours. Maybe the universe is telling me something.

Date: 2002-10-09 12:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I brought you back ears from Disneyland. I even brought them to the club one night, but you weren't there. Maybe the ears might help?



Date: 2002-10-09 05:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

You brought me back ears?


Too bad I missed you at the club. I think they would help. Going out again soon? I'll take the hug too.

Date: 2002-10-09 12:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I will just say this: I have no real advice to offer you.

I have chosen the type of dull, corporate, ordinary existence that you loathe. Trying to exist outside of that system when you have kids is something close to impossible. I am not even willing to try it.

I just sit here and smile my fake smile and earn my pittance. It's all I can do, other than playing guitar all night to mask that sinking feeling that I have become a cog in the machine. I sing my little songs into the void. They make me feel better.


I'm not suggesting that you go get some job that you'll hate. I really don't know what you should do.


Date: 2002-10-09 04:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Whoo Hoo! I've stumped the LJ community!!

Thanks anyway....


Date: 2002-10-09 02:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

Re: ...Life...

Date: 2002-10-09 04:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Whoa... you replied to a post. You know the shock just killed me.

Date: 2002-10-09 03:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm glad you didn't go out the window today.

You said you're looking for faith...can you find faith in your own ability to adapt or change? You're obviously in a pretty good relationship right now, and you wouldn't be if you hadn't progressed emotionally...right? It's a symptom. Being able to quit drinking...that's also a good symptom.

Now I'm just rambling:

...The change of the seasons has hit me sooner, too. Although not as severely. (Usually I'm okay 'til January). I can't seem to rip myself off of the internet, waiting for people to post... I hate leaving the house. Clubbing isn't fun. I'm trying to cut back on caffiene so that "When I really need it," a big dose of it will work.

I feel sort of disconnected from people, but I know that's a crock. They're there. I just can't bring myself to participate.

I've thought of St. John's Wort too, but I've heard it'll lessen the effectiveness of my birth control pill. Of course, I could take extra precautions.

I hope you are giving it two weeks to work. It's supposed to take a little while. You probably know that.


Date: 2002-10-09 04:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Well, the two story window I was speaking of leads directly out to the deck so the fall would only have been approximately one story. A jump the cats make all the time with no consequence, but I digress....

Yes, I'm waiting a week or two for the SJW to work. At least it's something I respond to quickly.

Faith in my ability to adapt and change.... Hmmm... I'll think about that.

And I've been spending a lot of time on the internet too, afraid to participate as well.

Date: 2002-10-09 04:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'd offer you my left over nefazadone (I have a shit load of it), but I don't know what you're allergic to. I'd offer you the trazadone, but I think it's way expired.

I have 2 things that keep me going, my kids and sheer spite. If I die "they" win. We can't have that now, can we?

We haven't had a chance to meet yet, so you can't go out a window.


Date: 2002-10-09 04:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Well, trazadone's definitely out, it makes me paranoid and I can't sleep which is of course odd as it's often prescribed for insomnia.

Spite's kept me going before. It can be very helpful to think of the people who are maddened by my existance (social workers, ex-boyfriends, the occasional girl that hates me on sight).

And the window's only two stories up and leads to the deck out back so it was only thrown in there for humor's sake since the jump doesn't kill the oldest fattest cat in the house, I think I'd be okay unless I got unlucky and hit wrong.

Date: 2002-10-09 05:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Hm, I just realized that my Dad has a lot of Zoloft at home that he doesn't take anymore. It worked really well for him (after a long-ass depression that amazes me to look back upon). It's also expired. I don't know what happens to Zoloft when expires; it may very well be useless. I could get my hands on it--but I would only do it if you could get a good doctor to agree that it wouldn't kill you. Seriously. Apparently Zoloft can be a real bitch if its not right for a person's chemistry...

Zoloft Bad

Date: 2002-10-09 05:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
My one experience with zoloft was of trying to climb into a two foot locker with the shakes. I can't take that one either.

Re: Zoloft Bad

Date: 2002-10-09 06:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Da-yumn. Like one of those gym shortie lockers?? How awful.

Re: Zoloft Bad

Date: 2002-10-09 06:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Yup. about 5 years ago, working at ye olde strip club. Didn't make any money that night. But the girls there figured out what was going on and turned me on to benzodiazapines. It was a swell evening.


Date: 2002-10-09 05:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
The nazzies are out then because they're closely related to the trazzies. Seems a shame to waste good anti-depressants.

Date: 2002-10-09 05:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Am I the only adult in America who has not been on an anti-depressant? I just don't to feel all dead inside. I like my little roller-coaster.

I am honestly afraid that Prozac would inhibit me, creatively.


Date: 2002-10-09 05:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I used to think they would with me too, but with me it's like adding a keel, not an anchor. If I don't have them I'm prone to visiting other times and places at extremely inconvienent during rush hour on I5. I don't take them because I feel dead inside, I take them because I can't function like a normal human being otherwise ("normal" being highly subjective). Flashbacks bite.
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