Death comes to us all

[rockettqween]

So, someone I used to see in 12-step meetings died recently. She was about 20, 21 or so. Cute, petite, dating a friend of mine. She O.D.'d and he found her in his bed. Following the news a local meeting was full of people talking about her and the usual comments when a person in the program dies: "Well, some of us have to die in order for the rest of us to live.", "That's what drug addiction does.", "I hope we can all learn from this so they didn't have to die in vain." etc.

There were also the folks that knew her from the street, someone who used to sleep with her, and friends who were shocked that she was dead so young speaking up followed by the obligatory asshole who didn't actually know the deceased but used to lust after her trying to sound important saying, "I didn't really know her but I shook her hand once."

All I could think of was two things. First, the last conversation I remember having with her in which she said she had to leave Seattle because she was starting to get close to people here and that was too much for her to handle. Guess she got her wish.

Second, I thought to myself that I was glad that wasn't me. Being talked about and made an example of in a 12-step meeting. Anyone who slept with me publicly admitting it, grungy old men that creeped me out saying it's such a shame when in reality they didn't know me and wouldn't make eye contact with me because they were too busy staring below the neckline. My legacy left behind an emotionally distant boyfriend and the desire to run. Women crying over me that didn't bother to call me up to hang out.

Why do people who didn't know or didn't care that much about certain people that die take it as an opportunity to get attention. To emote publicly even if in reality they didn't have much to do with them. It almost seems disrespectful not only to the dead but to their close friends as well.

A recent death in the "community" earlier this year also sparked off this thinking in myself.

Since when is a funeral a "scene"? I know damn well that half the people "distraught" really couldn't have cared less about the dead person when they lived. Why start now? I think it's a little too little too late. If it makes you care, try being nicer to the others you know "peripherally" in your life. Then maybe you can earn the right to cry at their passing.

Sometimes I wonder if in my will I should include a "Do Not Invite List" for the funeral. Or maybe just write something nasty to be read to all the dipshits trying to be important by being there. I don't know.

In regards to the recently deceased, she was nice to me but I didn't know her that well. I'm more concerned about the people that did, as I'm closer to them than I was to her.

The memorial will probably be another "scene". It just kind of disgusts me. I'm not a big fan of people today.

Comments

at my funeral...

[tanzplag.livejournal.com]

...I've left behind detailed instructions on how my body is to be loaded onto a giant spring in my coffin that will propel my corpse into the crowd of mourners while loudspeakers blare my pre-recorded scornful laughter at ear-shattering decibel levels.


I'm still debating whether or not to load my intestines with toxic laughing gas that will leave all of my mourners lying dead with rictus grins fixed to their faces.I think I'll leave that up to my lawyer.

Re: at my funeral...

[rockettqween.livejournal.com]

I like it. Although if I was someone who knew you personally, I'd make it a point not to show up at your funeral if you went with the toxic laughing gas idea.

[tanzplag.livejournal.com]

No one who knew me personally would be insane enough to go to my funeral. And if they really knew me,they'd be too busy nursing hangovers from my wake,which will be held in the back room of a seedy bar in Tijuana.

Re:

[rockettqween.livejournal.com]

Good point.

a legacy, indeed

[woe-sis.livejournal.com]

How horrible that people look at her death, ANY death, as necessary for the program to function. It equates her life to being nothing more than a "Don't Try This at Home, Kiddos" message. It's not like she qualified for the "Darwin Awards". Granted, there are lessons to be learned, but to say such things at such an early stage of mourning is in poor taste. i don't blame you for wanting to keep such people well away from any services for yourself.

Re: a legacy, indeed

[rockettqween.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you agree.

[tyler1968.livejournal.com]

It seems that we are all surrounded with people who take huge risks with their health. I have lost so many friends this year due to drugs and alcohol that I don't even want to start a mental list. Sorry you lost a friend.

I am glad to hear that you are part of a group that keeps you together, but it sounds like it can be pretty depressing. Everyone I know who has lived in your area has commented about the remarkable availability of drugs there...I guess it all comes in on the boats.

Me, I just like a little cheeba in the evening...

Re:

[rockettqween.livejournal.com]

Well, I wasn't very close to her so I wouldn't consider myself a friend if all I did with her was attend meetings and occasionally make small talk. And, well, there's not a lot to sustain people in Seattle with the gray months and the high suicide rate and the rapidly declining nightlife. So they get high and get laid. And, yeah, I guess a lot of stuff was coming in from Canada until they got tighter with their borders. There was actually a dry spell a few months ago from what I hear. And the recovery community is frickin' huge. Which of course means it gets kind of high school sometimes.

[tyler1968.livejournal.com]

So nice to think that people who have gotten their lives on track after addiction are so loving and compassionate with their comrades .

Re:

[rockettqween.livejournal.com]

Ha! Old habits die hard. There's been a few people in the recovery community that have made my "dear friends" list in the last couple of years, but for the most part, after the meeting or whatever, we just split off into the night. Addicts and alcoholics have a lot of trust issues and it takes a while to get over old behavior learned while hustling for your next fix. As a result you have to be careful of some of the post-addiction connections you make and everybody seems to learn this the hard way. It's too bad, but just the way it is.

I kno wwhere you're coming from...

[lawst.livejournal.com]

At my sisters funeral I faced a lot of the same crap. There were old highschool *friends* who seemed to have come just to see who else was there, the ex-boyfriend who claimed to have known her so well, and the small clique of nasties who came more to gloat than anything. When I showed up in jeans, a t-shirt, combat boots and black leather jacket (because I was planning on being with my dad in the hospital, not the funeral, but hey, at least they were all black)the not so quiet comments from many of them made me insane. I almost smacked one girl who had the balls to ask who I was and how dare I show up at a funeral looking that way. Fortunately my grandmother, bless her heart, verbally smacked the girl for me then escorted her out of the church.

I've always been discusted at those who use the deaths of others to get attention. It's beyond sick.

Re: I kno wwhere you're coming from...

[rockettqween.livejournal.com]

Yeah. The worst funeral story I heard was from a good friend who's first son died of SIDS. His girlfriend's racist abusive parents showed up at the funeral and she asked him to ask them to leave. They started a big fight and turned him in on an outstanding warrant and had him arrested at his own son's funeral. I wish people would just leave well enough alone. I think I'm expected to show at the funeral as part of keeping my status but as my relationship with the deceased was so minimal, I think I'll respect her death by staying home.

Re: I kno wwhere you're coming from...

[lawst.livejournal.com]

Makes sense to me. Funerals are too depressing anyway.