Jun. 4th, 2002

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Two nuns with spears through their heads running from a cackling priest.
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Hmmm... change is in the air. Just reviewed my last post (not the one about nuns). I have a theory that the body has yearly memory and residual emotional cycles. Yes. A year ago today I was feeling totally fucked. Today I'm feeling less much less fucked but the residual emotion is still there.
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and there's this poodle who's teamed up with a chihuahua to try to get me to share. I find this both amusing and annoying at the same time.

I realize that I shy away from certain subjects in this format because they might not be entertaining enough. Then I realize that I seem to write only to an audience of two folks who list me as "friend". I'm sure if I went off on some boring flaming rant they would just skip it if they didn't want to read it. I'm feeling sorry for myself right now and unpopular but, hey, that's what happens when you leave the club circle. I'm out five nights a week or so but I'm usually dancing or playing pool or sitting in the back room of the merc with my newer "clique". It's kind of funny how social circles grow apart. Granted I miss a lot of the people I used to hang with but when I see some of them out the conversation goes someting like, "Hey how are you? I'm good (hug optional here). Um... I'm going back to my table now." Suck. I realize this is mostly my doing but I seem to have forgotton how to socialize. I also have this self imposed notion that certain people just don't really want to deal with me anymore. I got too drama filled or something. And then there was that Florida thing...

Maybe I'm being too sensitive. If I haven't heard a judgment made against me directly from the source I shouldn't assume anything's changed. But I know people tend to hold that thing back. These days a lot of times grievances are hardly ever aired with the offending party. This seems to be a Seattle thing. I'm not sure.

Before I go on, thank you for listing me as your friend. I do appreciate this from the bottom of my insecure little heart.

Truth of the matter is, I just wanted to have a quiet life for a while. I'd really rather stay out of the whole who's fucking who and who's fucking who over thing. It's easier. It's also easier to avoid being the center of conversation that way. Not that I really mind being the center of conversation but I'd really rather it be something along the lines of I'm a good person to know and I'm improving and overcoming obstacles and stuff. Not some of the shit like who I've fucked and who I've fucked over who SET THEMSELVES UP FOR IT. I'd like to be your friend, not your lust object, your therapist, your whipping boy, your comic relief, your obsession, your bitch. I'll gladly be a sounding board if you are the type to offer the same outlet to me and I believe laughter is one of the best medicines known to man. I'm just feeling a little, eh.

Truth is, I'm happy with the turn my life has taken. I'm less the spaz. I play pool. I read Tolkien. I watch the Sci-Fi channel. I dance. I sing karaoke in a gay bar. I eat chinese food with nutty people at 2 in the morning. I sleep with one person and it's good. There's two cats and four dogs (two big, two small) that I get to pet on a regular basis. I'm out of the adult entertainment business. I get to pick which direction my life goes from here rather than scrambling to keep up with it. It feels good and it really helped to get out of the middle of the club drama. I don't take as much enjoyment out of talking smack as I used to.

I've been a little isolated I guess. It's been mostly me and my workout partner hanging out on the Eastside. Going out to the club. Playing in pool tournaments. Screwing around. Canoodling if you will. This has been going on for a little over three months straight and it's good. I'm thinking I should connect with some friends here pretty soon just to touch base and enjoy being with friends. I'm free to do this. I've just been lazy and well, occupied. It's amazing what can happen when you're just looking to get laid one more time before moving to Florida and then you don't because you decide you just can't stomach a bus trip with an effeminate ass weasel that you've somehow been living with for a few months due to one of your weaker moments. (Mmmmm.... I love chicken skin. It's kinda greasy though).

But seriously, I am experiencing hope. I have many more flashes of happiness than I've thought possible for a while. Being with a truly supportive individual really helps. I used to be a believer in doing it all alone even if you're with someone. I'm not sure I still feel this way. Maybe this is how it's supposed to be. You mean I might not be doomed to dysfunctional relationships that make me feel bad about myself after all? I can be with someone and not have to change my behavior around them? I can have a checkered past and not be judged for it? I can cry if I need to and not have to apologize for it? My opinion matters? We don't have to fight? What? I can see you everyday and not hate you? You're encouraging me to go after what I want? You're not going to squash my dreams? You don't hate my friends? You like me just the way I am? You kiss like THAT? Holy fuck. You gotta know I'm terrified. I haven't felt this way in years. One day at a time. I check in with myself at the end of the night and each night after taking stock of all that's happened I can usally say things are alright and I'm happy to be here. God I feel lucky sometimes.

I try to be greatful for the little things, the big things, everything. I'm getting over bigger and bigger hurdles everyday. It's painful but sometimes it's kind of neat. It's at least nice not to feel like I have to live my life around other people. It's also very scary to be behind the wheel of your own life. I'm not sure I've really done that a whole lot. I have to some extent but there's always been someone else's interests taken into consideration. It's very difficult to make decisions without other people being a factor. I think a lot of people make decisions based on what others think and how that'll make them look. More than many would care to admit. I'm sick of doing this.

It's amazing the rush of nausea and excitement I get when I make a decision just for me. I can feel the difference. Fighting fear makes you really strong I think. Especially when fear kicks your ass a few times. As long as I fight back I think I'm doing alright.
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"Over the years, I guess I've made around thirty fiction sales. Some forthcoming fiction: A magical realism dental fetish story of mine called "Something for the Pain" will be in Best Women's Erotica 2000. One of my favorite stories "Rocket Queen" will be reprinted in Sexcrime. "Rocket Queen" is a sort of cyberpunk tale about an assassin and a teenage boy. I really like assassins and teenage boys. Guess what album I listened to on continuous repeat while writing "Rocket Queen.""

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