Speculum Puppet Theatre
Aug. 1st, 2002 04:05 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rockettqweenWent in for mammogram. Saw breast specialist (How'd you like THAT job?) who squished my tits into strange configurations. Decided that the lump was probably naturally lumpy tissue and no mammogram was needed but to come back in 3 months anyway. She also pointed out that the right one was significantly bigger than the left. I already knew that. It's not THAT much bigger thank you very much.
Was left in the state hospital clinic examining room with nothing to read but a pregnancy magazine (Ugh. Tried it. Didn't like it much. My kid is cool. I don't need the reminder of what it took to grow him.) and, well, I got kind of bored. So I decided to peek in the drawers labeled with such treasures as "band-aids", "cotton swabs", "catheters", and "speculums". Decided I wanted a catheter of my very own, but getting to them would require rummaging through the contents of the drawers and possibly getting caught.
Settled on a speculum of my very own instead. There were about a dozen of them lined up, polished, shiny, sterilized. I could only fit one in my purse.
Had to go to two different ihavenoinsurancenojobiamaloser desks afterwards. Luckily I managed not to have to open my purse.
I got in the car with my workout partner afterwards. We drove for a bit and I asked him out of the blue, "Would you like a speculum?"
He wrinkled his nose and looked at me funny and said, "No, I don't know what I'd do with it."
I whipped out my prize from the hospital visit and said, "I don't know what I'M going to do with it."
I broke his brain. It was definitely worth pilfering just for the fact that he laughed so hard.
I stuck it out the car window and made it quack at people on the sidewalk. They ignored me.
I want to spray paint it gold and mount it on some block as the "Golden Speculum Award."
I don't know what one gets a GSA for. I'll think of something.
A friend of mine is jealous and tried to get me to give it to him. Apparently he's been wanting to do speculum puppet shows for years. "Give it to me! I want to stick googly eyes on it!"
It may be time to compile a 101 uses for a speculum list. If anyone has any ideas, please let me know.
Was left in the state hospital clinic examining room with nothing to read but a pregnancy magazine (Ugh. Tried it. Didn't like it much. My kid is cool. I don't need the reminder of what it took to grow him.) and, well, I got kind of bored. So I decided to peek in the drawers labeled with such treasures as "band-aids", "cotton swabs", "catheters", and "speculums". Decided I wanted a catheter of my very own, but getting to them would require rummaging through the contents of the drawers and possibly getting caught.
Settled on a speculum of my very own instead. There were about a dozen of them lined up, polished, shiny, sterilized. I could only fit one in my purse.
Had to go to two different ihavenoinsurancenojobiamaloser desks afterwards. Luckily I managed not to have to open my purse.
I got in the car with my workout partner afterwards. We drove for a bit and I asked him out of the blue, "Would you like a speculum?"
He wrinkled his nose and looked at me funny and said, "No, I don't know what I'd do with it."
I whipped out my prize from the hospital visit and said, "I don't know what I'M going to do with it."
I broke his brain. It was definitely worth pilfering just for the fact that he laughed so hard.
I stuck it out the car window and made it quack at people on the sidewalk. They ignored me.
I want to spray paint it gold and mount it on some block as the "Golden Speculum Award."
I don't know what one gets a GSA for. I'll think of something.
A friend of mine is jealous and tried to get me to give it to him. Apparently he's been wanting to do speculum puppet shows for years. "Give it to me! I want to stick googly eyes on it!"
It may be time to compile a 101 uses for a speculum list. If anyone has any ideas, please let me know.
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no subject
Date: 2002-08-02 09:15 am (UTC)See, that way, you have to get together, which is a good thing, and you have to share humiliations, which is always good with friends.
Man, I wish I was a woman sometimes. When I'm left alone in the exam room, there are never cool things to steal.
On the other hand, by virtue of being non-female, I very rarely have my breasts pulled, mashed, and stretched to fit in that horrid machine.
So, I guess on balance it's even.
I thought I was the only one
The last time I was in there, I almost did. Maybe I will tomorrow, and then our speculums can quack at each other.