Blackeye Peas

I remember the night of the Blackeye Peas. It was a good night. Fucking in the jeep all covered with snow behind the church on Broadway.

Changed my friggin life.

If I ever grow up.....

smack me.

Stuff that made me cringe or, things that never ever should have happened #1

Donut luge: Little chocolate donuts, a kitchen floor, and a thong.

Strip down to nothing but a thong. If you do not have a thong, one will be provided for you. Don't worry if it doesn't fit. Place little hostess donettes (or generic chocolatey coated silver dollar sized donuts) 4-6 inches (depending on the size of the ass) apart on kitchen floor. While wearing thong, sit on chocolate donuts. Someone will then grab your legs and drag you across the kitchen floor. Whoever leaves the longest chocolatey coating skid mark wins.

Yes, this actually happened a few years ago. I was there when the idea was born. It was the result of some sleep deprivation, vodka, and some, uh, interesting tobacco. Thank god I didn't strap on a thong for the event. I just donated two to the cause and helped referee. The white thong had some interesting chocolate stains on it that looked just wrong.

WRONG I TELL YOU! WRONG!

I forgot a bunch of stuff

I'm beginning to wonder if certain chemical experiments I was subjected to have completely wiped out a chunk of computer knowledge or if technology has just left me in the dust. I can't remember how to do anything. I worked for an ISP for two years and I can't remember anything past surfing the frickin net. I taught lisp programming for god's sake! Maybe I should have paid more attention rather than boffing my boss and getting bitten by otters. Fuck.

Delusions of Grandeur

So, since when did I suddenly realize that instead of this crazy icon I hold myself to be I'm just another slightly more than nobody. I am not truly great at anything. Dammit... So when a group of people piss me off and I say, "They can't do this to me, don't they know who I am?" The answer is. "no."

I wanna be truly great!!!

Why does that take so much work?

Rats. I need push pins. Looks like I'm putting up pictures. Looks like I've been guided in yet another direction I wasn't expecting to go. Looks like it's a good thing. I made cookies tonight. Wheat free and tasty. Chocolate with white chocolate chips. MMMMM.....

I get domestic when I'm depressed.

I may even do dishes and sort socks.

Got invited to a "Pimp 'n' Ho" theme party this weekend. Sounds like a blast. You must come dressed as a pimp or a ho. Groovy stuff.

I'm ovulating.

Sometimes I hate being a girl.

I'm broke. I still have no job. I am both greatful and mortified by this.

I had brown rice crust pizza with soy cheese for dinner last night.

I hate being allergy ridden.

At least PCC loves me.

Okay PCC is not the only thing that loves me.

If PCC really loved me, they'd give me free spelt flour.

I have a long way to go.

If I ever get married again, I want to wear a slinky red dress and the ceremony must be performed by an Elvis impersonator. I want my friends to get trashed and start a kick-line at the reception.

You can do the hand jive to the song, "Warm Leatherette". I've actually gotten strangers to do this with me with very little effort.

I love talking people into doing stupid harmless things they would never ever do.

I am a rock. I am an island.

I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer.

Jim, go back to bed. It's not time to drink yet. You have to wait til 6 in this state.

I got a black magic marker.

I hear the secrets that you keep, when you're humping all your sheep.

I wish he'd stop playing computer games so we could go home, eat cookies and fuck.

I must be physically removed from the front of this computer.

I am trapped in the glare of pale white screen with black letters I create.

Were goin' down. Down I tell you! DOWN!!!!

No matter where you go, I can still hear you when you frown.

I hate you and what you've done to me. Granted 50% was my fault, but fuck you anyway. I didn't know any better. Maybe you didn't either, but I find myself not getting over it. Nope. Not getting over it.

I need a vacation.

I'm learning to fucking relax okay?

I'm not a spoiled brat, I'mnotI'mnotI'mnot.

I can't take it anymore. I want to eat cookies and fuck.