Sep. 3rd, 2002

rockettqween: (Default)
It was my ex-husband's birthday today. I didn't call. I hope it was alright. I don't know why I care.

I'm considering "rebirthing" at the behest of some of my fruitier friends. I'm not so sure about it. Most articles I've found on it have been all pro (they were breathwork websites of course) but I did find one that was very discouraging.

Due to some weird experiences in the past I've shied away from a lot of unorthodox spiritual practices and yet I find myself in this weird little group spilling some of my gutwrenching secrets as nonchalantly as if I were discussing the weather.

Sometimes I wonder if I can even make it through this life or if on some strange level the minute I find peace I'll have to leave.

My hands are having trouble working lately. Typing is becoming difficult.

I'm so tense right now.

I feel like I keep getting thrust by the universe into doing intensive work on myself. Sometimes I wish I could fall headlong into substance abuse oblivion and never come out but I know that's not what I truly want.

I wish I'd never had to go through some of what I went through sometimes. Sometimes I wish I'd never done so much unguided spiritual excavation, psychedelic drug use, etc. Why couldn't I be one of those "ooh pretty colors" acid trippers? No, I had to go on some weird uncharted territory life trip bullshit. I try to escape but it seems especially when I'm sober, it calls to me.

I'm both freezing and slightly sweating at the moment. I don't know what that's all about. Maybe I do wish I was ordinary. I never wanted to be though. I heard a recovering drug fiend talk about how when they were a junkie running around breaking into people's cars and chasing dope that they really just wanted to be a regular guy and that's what he finally got to be. I heard that and just balked. I never wanted to be ordinary. Fuck that I thought. I want to be extraordinary.

I don't think I'm capable of that. I could try but I think it would take sedatives. And of course I have those addictive tendencies so sedatives are out.

I really am terrified to live up to my full potential.

But I can't stay stuck. The one good line I got out of the one person I hated the most in my life was, "Stagnation is Death."

So the only way to move is to move forward.

How much garbage do I have to get rid of before I can have the "normal life". How do I ever expect to have a workable marriage, healthy children?

My skin is crawling.

How do people even live with all the pain of life?

They just keep going?

Yeah. I'm in the midst of an existential crisis along the lines of "If there's a God, a Creator, why all the pain. Why does happiness come in fleeting moments?

I have a fear that the moment I become truly happy, I'll die. That my soul will have finally come to the end of it's purpose. And I'll have to leave the people I love. I don't know.

I'm losing it.

I'm sensing pain all around me. It's not just me. Pain, anger, evil. Death, fear, rape, sadness, grief.

I just sneezed all over the keyboard. How nasty.

Paranoia

Sep. 3rd, 2002 04:47 am
rockettqween: (Default)
Is this the LJ of the mentally ill? Only time will tell. Sometimes I get that I'vebeenbabblinglikeastreetperson feeling.

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rockettqween

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