Jul. 28th, 2002

rockettqween: (Default)
Blah. Inside prattling away at the computer due to lack of $$ for going out and playing on a Saturday night. Need to clean and organize room. I'm almost afraid to put pictures on the walls. It would be like I'm living there or something. I still maintain the fantasy in my head that I'm just a permanant guest that gets mail there but I need a little bit of grounding.

Had an interesting night at the club. Saw my ex-lovely roommate who actually checked her messages for once. We are apparently talking again. I am relieved. I still harbor resentments about what happened but I realize I was expecting her to act like someone other than herself. Bad move. I need to stop expecting people to act differently than what they're capable of.

Talked to my ex-husband on the phone for a while while waiting for a pool game. I am a mental masochist. He said I should get a passport so I can go to Mexico with him when his accident settlement comes through. I mentioned that someone close to me would have a big problem with that. He conveniently forgot I was seeing someone. Why do they only want you back when you're involved? Low down dirty tricks appealing to my Gypsy blood. He knows it's difficult for me to turn down a travel invite. We talked in circles for a while about he said/she said stuff. Same old circle. Thankfully I had to excuse myself as it was my turn to get my ass kicked around the table.

Felt miserable. I really only miss him for the sex and as someone fun to hang out with. He's truly beautifully twisted and the closest thing to a male me that I've found yet, but should you really be with someone just like you or someone that balances out your strengths and weaknesses? Marriage material? Fantasy gone wrong. Very wrong.

I realize I can't remember who all was in my wedding party. This sort of bugs me. I remember half of them were wearing black leather and the rest were in black velvet. I remember the bloodletting at the wedding reception which wasn't funny or intended then but is rather hilarious now. Imagine someone wacked out on vodka and no sleep having just been dumped by a woman in attendance at the reception (they were both, ironically enough supposed to be the best man/maid of honor but both backed out) pulling out a knife in the parking lot and slashing open his arms screaming, "YOU BROKE MY SOUL!!!!!! YOU WHORE OF SATAN!!!!!!!!!" at your wedding and then throwing coffee at someone's car. I used to have more mentally disturbed friends than I do now. I'm grateful for the upgrade.

I also remember someone playing Depeche Mode's "Blasphemous Rumors" when we walked in, the freshly married couple having just signed the license and doing a shot of something that the minister (our auto mechanic) made us do.

I deep throated a cake tier. My bachelorette party the night before blew the big one.

I found out I was pregnant after the engagement but we went through with plans to keep the original wedding date. 6 months pregnant, letting out the rented dress three times. Woke up lactating with ankles too swollen to fit into my borrowed shoes. Watched Tank Girl for the first time on video with an ice pack on each ankle in an effort to quell the swelling.

Because I was pregnant my unthrilling group of bridesmaids only allowed me a glass of wine and had issues with the cigarette I wanted with it. I asked where my stripper was and they told me they decided not to get me one because I worked as a stripper at the time (yeah, pregnant stripper - geez my life has improved) and they figured I would be disgusted with one.

I was pissed. I was getting married the next day and I wanted a stripper dammit. Male or female. I didn't really care. It's the principle of the thing. Instead we went to one woman's house and I was forced to sit through her vegan save the environment soapbox. I was bored to tears.

My future ex-husband however, was being dragged from gay bar to gay bar because he didn't want anything to do with local strip clubs since he'd been in most of them a time or two to pick me up and insisted on NO STRIPPER. They obliged. They even took him to a leather bar.

We got married outside. It was nice out in Seattle in April. We did it on the Harbor Steps downtown. Tourists took pictures.

Later that evening it rained like hell and we went to Denny's for a free meal on the manager. Went back to the room we were renting in a U-District flop house and went to sleep. It was all downhill from the honeymoon on.

Luckily my friends now are cool enough, if I ever got married again, they would most definitely get me a stripper and then some.
rockettqween: (Default)
Dear Chasey Lain
I wrote to explain
I'm your biggest fan
I just wanted to ask
Could I eat your ass?
Write back as soon as you can

You've had a lotta dick
Had a lotta dick
I've had a lotta time
Had a lotta time
You've had a lotta dick Chasey
But you ain't had mine

Dear Chasey Lain
I wrote to complain
Ya never wrote me back
How could I ever eat
Your ass when ya treat
Your biggest fan like that?

You've had a lotta dick
Had a lotta dick
I've had a lotta time
Had a lotta time
You've had a lotta dick Chasey
But you ain't had mine

Dear Chasey Lain
I wrote to constrain
This letter is my last
As your biggest fan
I must demand
You let me eat your ass

You've had a lotta dick
Had a lotta dick
I've had a lotta time
Had a lotta time
You've had a lotta dick Chasey
But you ain't had mine

P.S.
Mom and Dad this is Chasey
Chasey this is my mom and dad
Now show ‘em them titties
Now show ‘em them titties
P.S.
Mom and Dad this is Chasey
Chasey this is my mom and dad
Now show ‘em them titties
Now show ‘em them titties

Would ya fuck me for blow?

Filler

Jul. 28th, 2002 01:49 am
rockettqween: (Default)
Fillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfiller
rockettqween: (Default)
- Had a discussion about the homoerotic content of the Lord of the Rings trilogy with my workout partner. Realized we are both twisted fucks. Who cares? Anyone wanna dispute that Sam is just begging to be clueless Frodo's little bitch and that Merry has a boner for Aragorn?

- Went to a 12-step meeting tonight. They had no coffee. It was tolerable anyway.

- The Mentor told me he thought I would probably never be happy but I had the potential to achieve much and should give up the futile pursuit of happiness because unless I fixed my fundamental problems, I was doomed so I might as well try to get things done instead. Of course, he has a point. I've been so fixated on trying to determine what makes me happy and trying to figure out what to do to make me happy, I haven't gotten anything done and therefore have been miserable because I accomplish nothing and therefore feel worthless. New plan of attack: pick something to do that will make me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile. Abandon obsession over whether or not I'm happy and/or fulfilled and what that could possibly feel like.

- Been grousing about in self-pity mode. I realize this is lame. I'd actually rather be learning new stuff.

- I find myself resenting people in the arts and entertainment field. I used to be a community theatre geek until I moved to Seattle and went on a strange life trip instead. My only time to put my talents on display should not just happen in a karaoke bar or a Rocky Horror show. I don't know anyone directly involved in local theatre now and don't know how I would budget the time to pursue the creative stuff.

- I think my Best Buy job interview bombed. I need to go back to school.

- My ex-husband told me he's going to go to school to be a mortician. I laughed uncontrollably for several minutes. Apparently he's serious. "Make good money and play with dead people. Pump them full of formaldehyde. You have to do it right or you'll blow their eyeballs off."

- I've always wanted in the medical field. Have thought seriously about nursing school.

- Tomorrow is Sunday. Karaoke with the damned. First my son's 5 year birthday at my parents house. I am not looking forward to hanging out with my family but for my son I will show up. I miss the little guy. The situation is slowly tearing me down.

- Child support hearing next month at fuck thirty in the morning. I can't afford a lawyer to tell them I don't have a job. Leave me alone for a while.

- My workout partner is being extremely patient with me these days. I've been a bitch lately and an emotional basket case.

- Mammogram on Wednesday. In theory it's nothing. My over dramatic imagination has pictured me bald with one breast more than once this week.

- I really need more to do.

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