Jul. 14th, 2002

rockettqween: (Default)
Woke up at oh my god in the morning following a strange dream about Tom Cruise having belly button lint(!?) and decided I couldn't handle a peppy sales-type meeting run by the shrill one from Detroit. Furthermore, I couldn't handle the job running around staring at people and inviting them to come be coerced by the shrill one into spending money on a digital portfolio and to cross their fingers and hope an agent called them.

I also didn't want to get harped on for not being more motivated to run around town after being dismissed at 6pm to scout more "talent". Truthfully, I was too fucking tired to work any further yesterday. Straightening out my feet after removing them from my heels made me scream and I realized I didn't get paid for it. I felt psycho, so I played video games for a while.

Numbers game, okay. I checked the admin files. None of the ones I talked to showed up at the open call which means none of them spent money which means I didn't make any and I wasn't liking the idea of getting barked at for it.

I am not a sales drone. In my $$ desperation, I decided to give it a shot anyway. I asked my workout partner if he'd be upset if I just quit the damn thing. He said he was actually a bit relieved as he could tell being a sales drone was already making me miserable.

All in all, I really am terrified of talking to strangers, let alone convincing them they need to be at this place at this time. I figure having a panic attack in the mall was not indicative that I was doing the right job for me, nor would I be successful at it if I continued to pursue it.

So the job hunt continues.

After deciding I was not cut out to be a "talent" scout, I went back to bed and woke up feeling somewhat rested for the first time in about 3 days.

Talked to my son today. He was busy so he didn't want to talk very long. I was disappointed but I won't force anyone to talk to me, especially if they have cartoons to watch. He gave the phone to my mother who confessed she did something really stupid that really affects me and the current child placement situation
negatively and then refused to talk to me because I was considerably upset and wasn't hiding it.

I wonder sometimes how I ever wound up with a brain cell in my head. My paranoid theory that I keep trying to shake that my mother is committed to watching me suffer grows stronger all the time. Just when I think I might just be imagining things and that she just doesn't know any better something happens.

It's almost easier to handle the idea that my mother is vindictive and hates me than to try to wrap my brain around the idea that the woman that gave birth to me is just plain stupid.

I read some Tolkein and then I played video games for three hours after getting off the phone. I'm still upset but reading about war in middle earth and then laying seige to castles made me feel better but I'm probably going to be upset about this for a while.

Went to the Mercury about 1:45. Won a few games of pool. Went out to breakfast with a miscreant group of folks, one of which described why Cinderella was a conniving manipulative ho. It reminded me of the opening scene in Reservoir Dogs where they're overanalyzing Madonna's "Like a Virgin." We also all agreed that the movie Pretty in Pink truly sucks and I'm sure at some point I will rant about why exactly Pretty in Pink sucks ass, but it would take me too long at the moment and I am yawning.

But, I'm greatful for the following things....

-the long silky black Chinese dress we found at Crossroads for $12.
-not going to an early meeting on a Saturday run by the shrill one
-Karaoke with the damned
-new glasses
-wonderfully warped friends and aquaintences
-a workout partner who is supportive, patient, fabulous in bed, and brings me coffee
-bad spellling
-milky way candy bars
-premsym pms tablets
-any night I don't have a nightmare
-sauerkraut
-being able to cry (finally)
-not becoming a sales drone
-my son is not a retard, he's more adorable, smarter, and more charismatic than I am
-being forgiven for lousy grammar
-swear words
-birth control
-having my own cue
-other stuff

I'm tired now. I really want to go to Las Vegas again. I don't know why I've been thinking about that so much.

Zombies ate my neighbors.

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rockettqween

October 2002

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