Jul. 9th, 2002

rockettqween: (Default)
God, we're all a bunch of angsty ranting motherfuckers lately. Are the planets all aligned in some nasty formation? Is everyone climbing the walls ready to kill, ready to get out of town and/or smash shit up? I was beginning to think it was just me, then I read everyone else's LJ. Change is obviously in order for a lot of people.

Went to the Dubliner in Fremont for a pool tournament. It was not a good night at the table. 'Nuff said.

I realize I've been trying to change who I am because I'm back to the belief system that everything I've ever done was wrong and that's okay as long as I don't do it anymore. Therefore I've become way more passive, accommodating, closed mouthed and downright boring.

I don't handle suburbia very well.

City girl who lived alone for 3 years, hates having roommates, loves to root in my own mess and be walking distance from a 24-hour restaurant, lived like I was single even though I was still married on paper, supported myself and didn't apologize for anything.

I've enforced societal morality on myself and thought to myself that I was living a lie because I was supporting myself as a stripper most of the time and had a pretty bad drinking problem and fell into a management job I was underqualified for but stayed afloat financially to get enough experience that I could manage damn near anything. But of course it was a strip club I was managing so it "doesn't count".

I've adopted the possibility that my 6-year involvement in the sex industry was the result of some moral deficiency and borderline sociopathic deviance.

I hate the job hunt. It makes me want to kill. I managed some of the most difficult demanding, screwed up people in the world (dancers and strip club customers) and still managed to come out with most of them respecting me and doing what I asked them to.

For some reason this doesn't map to the "real" world.

I got a letter from the State of Washington. They're garnishing half my wages/unemployment benifits for child support to my parents! The biggest problem is, what wages and what unemployment benifits? I was denied benefits! I only used to get $150 a week anyway, that would make it $75. This was after I filled out paperwork and sent them a letter stating that I had no income or assets.

When I get a job, my paycheck is halved.

Minimum wage is not very appealing right now.

If the sex industry in Washington hadn't been all but killed, I would seriously consider returning.

I don't know what to do. Adjusting to life in Renton is difficult as well. I'm sure it can be done but the fact that I don't drive and it takes 15 minutes to walk to the nearest bus stop and it takes over an hour to get to Seattle that way and I'm dependent on my workout partner for transportation, drives me a bit nuts.

It's not as easy to decide at midnight that I felt like going out to the club after all or hopping over to Starbucks for coffee with the change I scrounged from the couch, or deciding to go to a meeting even though I wasn't really keen on going cause I had nothing else going on and it took no time to walk to one.

I never had cable before. I tried to give television a shot, but I still hate TV. The only things worthwhile are South Park, Who's Line is it Anyway?, and old Star Trek reruns.

Playstation 2 is also a bad thing. But I am determined to play every character on Heroes of Might and Magic on every level until I'm done. I played the Knight, now I'm the Barbarian. Rowr. I kill troglodytes, trolls, and demons etc. for a thrill these days.

I want to travel around. There is nothing that makes me feel freer and more alive than traveling without a purpose and seeing what life hands you as far as how to get around, where to sleep and how to finance your trip on the road. This is some people's nightmare vacation, for me, It's a passion. I haven't done it since 1999. It's making me crazy. The quickie trips to New Orleans and Denver didn't count since I was either on someone else's schedule or I had a definite reason for going and I knew exactly when I was getting back. Since I'm not working and have no real responsibilites this would be a great time to go except I have no money to start with and well...

I met this guy....
rockettqween: (Default)
I'm going in. Somebody cover me.

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