Jun. 27th, 2002


Jun. 27th, 2002 01:03 am
rockettqween: (Default)
Is that what this is? Am I sad? I'm not depressed today. I'm just a little sad I think. What a relief. I don't know really why I'm sad, but I'm reflecting on a lot of things. Cycles. I cry a lot more than I used to. Sometimes it doesn't take much. I stay out of malls and parks sometimes just to avoid children. I accept children much more easily than adults. Children can be the only true victims. Once you become an adult there are no victims, just volunteers. One can dispute that, but past a certain point, you shape your own destiny. Every little thing you do leads to another thing and another thing that makes you make a major life decision which changes your life all because you decided to do something as simple as call in sick to work and go do something else that day. And what we feel life is, we get.

To quote The Mentor again, I was feeling a little bit freaked out last night and voiced my concern that I might be cursed and anything good I try to do is bound to lead to some tragic emotional breakdown and I was meant to be alone. His words were, "The only people who are really cursed are those that are hell-bent on sabotageing themselves. They just do it over and over again. They can't help themselves." What a beautiful way of calling me on my shit. Tactful. Stealthy. With a hint of, "Hello? the problem is, well, YOU." I feel loved.

Also, foreshadowing happens. Just before I got information that pissed me off, I was speaking with a friend of mine whom some of my other friends won't associate with based on reputation alone. He's one of my better friends and I've known him for years and he and his girlfriend have a reputation of being perverted, sociopathic, and warped. He said, "I love having a bad reputation... don't you?"

Yeah, you know what? In some ways, I do. I always did want some sort of recognition. I'm sorry, the "good" people, you never hear anyone talk about them unless they die. I don't want to have to die to be talked about. Luckily enough people talk about now as I live and breathe and they damn well better be talking about me for years after I'm dead.

And on that note....



rockettqween: (Default)

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