Jun. 26th, 2002

rockettqween: (Default)
I'm really pissed now because I was really pissed before and I was letting out some of my aggression here and I was typing and typing and typing and the computer crashed.

Fuck.

Back online. Sorry my sweet sweet flaming rant has been lost. I'm not sure I have enough fire to truly start over. I want to eat sometime.

So I'll just shorten things up a bit.

I was suspecting that someone I'd done nothing to was choosing not to associate with me for some reason or other. Come to find out I'm not just paranoid, it's true because they are long time friends with someone who has an issue with me.

Fuck that.

I have a wide variety of friends and associates. I don't just stick to one particular social group. As a result some of my friends downright hate each other. That's between them. I don't take sides unless someone does something REALLY fucked up. The definition of REALLY fucked up to me entails: rape, murder, violence, theft, or in some way messing with someone's offspring.

I will listen to people rail against each other for sleeping with someone else or throwing out roommates, or breaking each other's hearts, or owing money, or not returning unrequited love, general dislike, personality clashes, random arguments or just whatever. It won't make me stop liking someone just because someone else feels they've fucked them over. If they fuck me over in any way shape or form it's a different story but I don't expect mutual friends to choose a side or shun the other. It's between myself and the one I have the issue with. I'll vent. That's for damn sure. But If you want to keep on associating with someone I feel is a waste of skin, go right ahead.

The issue in hand deals with a former friend who wanted to be more than friends and loaned me a sum of cash and said "Pay me back when you can. Even if you're eighty."

This is of course a recipe for disaster and I'm not blameless in this whole thing because I did exploit the obsession a bit and didn't nip it in the bud and cut him off as a friend earlier. I thought I could continue being friends with someone who had an unhealthy obsession with me. (I knew it was a snake when I picked it up).

I'm just hurting a bit because last year, when my life fell apart (husband dumped me, job fired me, lost custody of my little one) I leaned heavily on a group of people throughout the summer for support and laughter and I appreciated them very much. Of this group, only a couple of them still talk to me. One of them, Geekalpha, is a kick-ass friend and I guess that alone made the whole thing worth it but I can't help feeling a little upset about the others. If it weren't for these people I probably would have shot up drano and dove head-first out of my apartment window. I was seriously messed up and staying sober through the whole thing as per my twelve-step affiliation. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have just gotten stinking drunk because I sure wasn't trying to do anything else for my well-being except do really weird shit. Untreated sobriety is a terrible thing.

So through this time I got embroiled in some flaming stinky drama and moved in a head case to be my "boyfriend" just to avoid all the fucking pain I was in.

The thing I'm pissed about is through it all, I was fucking making an effort. I wasn't just rolling over and dying. I was trying to figure out what I was about and what I wanted and how I was going to live now that everything I thought was going to happen didn't. I pissed some people off in the process and most of them indirectly. Outsiders looking in, listening to the biased reports of others. Drawing conclusions based on late night coffee-fueled conversations. Well...

I had a discussion with The Mentor the other night. He was talking about living an interesting life. I shared my regrets about asking for an interesting life at the age of 16 because it had been nothing but interesting ever since. He brought up the point that even if I screwed up a lot of big things, at least I had the balls to go after them. It's true. He pointed out that I could play by the rules and accomplish a lot of little things and never taste the bigger experiences. I felt a lot better because of it.

At least I try. I've experienced more in a short time on earth than many people do in a lifetime. I've had experiences people dream of. As fucked up as my life is, there are some people (who don't know all the details) who would kill to have it.

I've had exhilarating experiences. I can dance. I can sing. I've traveled alone and loved it, I've lived alone and loved it, I've given birth, I had a really cool wedding and a really sucky marriage, I've fallen in love a couple of times, I've had an intense, tragic, deep, romance-novel worthy, 7-year off and on failed relationship that I wouldn't trade for the world with all it taught me, I've been incredibly frightened, I've almost died, I've had a drinking problem, I've known dangerous people and been on their good side, I avoided starving in Las Vegas because of a 5 cent slot machine, I've stood on the edge of the grand canyon, I've had multiple orgasms multiple times, I've seen bitter ugliness and extreme beauty, I've made lots of people smile, random strangers laugh, I am a ferociously loyal friend to those who've earned it, I've been extremely angry, I've dreamed big, I've gotten my heart broken, I almost joined the air force, I went to college when I was 16, I've been bitten by an otter, I've had multiple partner sex just because, I've experimented with various chemicals, I've been a stripper in three different states, I've taught a class in scheme programming, I've been to a shrink, I have an extra rib, I've made friends with a cab driver, I've sung Denis Leary songs after sex, I've hopped on a plane just because I had a hangover, I sold pianos for a day, I have a wonderful boyfriend. There's so much more than what I just listed.

I'm very sensitive sometimes about what people think about me. I'm not sure exactly why this is. I've always been this way despite my vocalizations to the contrary.

I was just pissed. I can't expect everyone to have the same philosophies as I do or the same ethics. I have to accept that, it's just easier to accept it when the differences don't affect me.

I totally wanted to confront the people involved just to say "fuck you" but I know it's gratituitous and won't fix anything.

I just don't feel like I'm particularly welcome in certain venues anymore. I am tempted to stop patronizing a certain establishment (the Vogue) because of all this but I'll see how I feel later. I hate feeling frozen out of a place. I never know whether to go quietly or keep showing up just for spite. I'll probably just go quietly. I wish there were more places I could dance the way I do. It would make the whole affair easier.

BUT I'M FUCKING PISSED OFF ANYWAY EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THIS WILL PROBABLY NOT AFFECT ME IN THE LONG RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There. I'm done.

Profile

rockettqween: (Default)
rockettqween

October 2002

S M T W T F S
   1 23 4 5
6 78 9 10 1112
1314 15 16 17 18 19
20 212223242526
2728293031  

Page Summary

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 20th, 2017 06:29 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios