Jun. 7th, 2002

rockettqween: (Default)
Don't ask me what "OOOF" means I don't really know.

I'm almost blind from scrolling through internet information (no I wasn't looking at porn I was looking up um, recipes... yeah that's it... recipes) that I've been putting off looking up and doing. Whoo Hoo.

Had a misunderstanding with my lovely roommate. If I'd been paying attention I would have seen it coming. She seemed baffled that I was pissed off. There are times when we don't communicate well. I no longer have a lovely roommate. While the arrangement was temporary, I was not expecting a sudden stop to it with no warning what so ever. I hadn't exactly lined up other arrangements. Granted I haven't slept there in over a month, it was soothing to my brain that I could. I had keys and stuff. I did not officially "live with" my workout partner. I was aware LR was going out of town, I was not aware that going out of town meant "Oh, yeah, give me the keys I got a housesitter. You can still get mail here but I need the mailbox and the front door key. You don't have to get your stuff out today, I don't leave till tomorrow night." I silently grabbed what was left of my piddling belongings and stormed out after a few grumbling comments about "thanks for the warning and any issues you had with me I would have preferred you inform me of previous to my sudden eviction." She told me it was nothing personal and I can only believe that if she is actually truly self-absorbed and just wasn't paying attention and thought I actually WAS living with my workout partner. It's possible but I find myself hurt anyway. Of course as to the individual in question as GeekAlpha would say: I knew it was a snake when I picked it up. I still do not trust other women. I was starting to but each time I do, something screwy happens. Why are women so evil? I've had male friends for years that have never fucked me over or engaged in any backstabbing weird behavior. Men seem to be more direct. I find I'm lonely as far as feminine influences go. Maybe it's not normal to not trust my own gender. I just hate the things that women (yes, myself included do.) I feel like I should be able to have a support system of women and men but I find my support system is basically testosterone dominated. Granted, I spend a lot of time in pool rooms which are primarily male dominated. Admittedly other female players sort of freak me out. They're either good and scary or they suck at pool and further the girls-can't-play-pool stereotype. What is the weird dynamic with women anyway? I've hated it for as long as I can remember but no one (female anyway) ever seems to talk about it. I hear plenty of men say, "women are evil" and I'm afraid in a lot of ways I have to agree.

Am I wrong? Is there some inherent flaw inside of me because I would rather have more direct black and white arguments that are done and over with and don't go on for ages, less mind fucks, less gossip, less smack talking, fewer thinly veiled insults, less emphasis on fashion and reliance on men for validation?

I don't know why but a lot of women will not address these things we do to hurt each other. My feminine qualities often feel like a burden instead of something to embrace. I cringe at women crying inequality and then not getting the schooling to make more money or building the muscle mass required to do certain jobs. There's a reason men get some of the better jobs. They're qualified.

Top reasons I've heard women bitch about other women:
1. Who they're fucking, how many people they've fucked, and whether or not their sexual behavior is beyond reproach. For God's sakes. If equality means anything why are WOMEN beating up on other women for being so called "sluts"? They're still not bitching about the men crawling around the club sleeping with anyone and anything. (I once heard a stripper tell another stripper that sleeping with 9 guys was "A LOT". Oh my god! How could you sleep with so many? Did I mention this was a club where hand jobs in the corner was the norm?) Why does my sexual history matter to you? Do YOU want to sleep with me? Do YOU secretly want more action that you're not willing to admit? Do YOU still believe that there's something wrong with a woman making decisions about her sexuality? What did your daddy do to you? Fuck you. I got enough problems without my private life (where everyone's adult and consensual and no one's getting physically hurt unless that's part of the consensual arrangement) being a factor on whether or not I'm an okay person.

2. Their boyfriend. Now really. A boyfriend is a person, not a fashion accessory or a status symbol. Oh yeah I forgot. In some circles, Man = Validation. If the only way you can find validation is dependant on whether or not you have a man in your life, I know a few bridges you can jump off of. A boyfriend is a partner, a confidant, and someone to be intimate with. A boyfriend is not crucial to your survival. It is definitely a bonus and maintaining a relationship has its own set of problems I will not go into here. If you find someone, cool. If you're with someone just because, lame. Why are you not out playing the field and getting laid and pursuing other interests in your life in the meantime? I got tired of putting lots of effort into dead ends: jobs, relationships, conversations, etc. And furthermore, on another note: Why, when a girl finds a guy do her friends have to say, "What does he do?" Not is he making you happy? What does he do, what does he drive, where does he live? What the fuck?

3. "She slept with my ex-boyfriend/boyfriend/person I occasionally fuck!" Ask yourself: Does she know you? No? Take it up with the guy. Women have this tendency to let the guy lay blameless and forgiven and go after the girl in question? This is vicious. Where is the problem? If a man wants to stay faithful to you he'll fucking say no to her. You may think men are weak in this situation. Sometimes this is true. Women are just as suceptible. Remember that. If every guy you're with cheats on you, well, what are you doing? What are you attracting? Ask yourself.

Now about ex-boyfriends..... All is fair in love and war. If you've been broken up 3 or more months without any incidences of ex-sex. Someone you know can and possibly will fuck your ex-boyfriend. You have a lot of things in common. Maybe the same type of guys too. This is not cool if this is your best friend you called up at 3 am during the break up. If you are dating someone else and no longer mooning over your ex's picture, feel sorry for, rather than hate whoever he's dating now. It's over. Get over it.

If there is no agreement with your sex partner to stay monogamous, you are so not allowed to make a judgment call on anyone else he has sex with. No, hands off, he's mine conversations. You have no say. Shut up.

4. Fashion. Oh geez. Women will pick apart other womens' appearances faster than you can say Kmart. Gee... I heard a rumor women wanted to stop being objectified. I guess it wasn't true. Critically picking apart appearances when most men will look at a package and rate it "definitely doable" or "not a chance in hell" and "maybe" with the occasional "WOW! DID YOU SEE THAT!" thrown in. I swear women dress up for each other more than to look good sometimes. I've been around girls that were extremely callous about a stray thread, a mismatched purse, on offbrand pair of shoes, messed up hair, the wrong color lipstick." What is your problem?

5. Male dominated activities. Okay, you hate sports, you hate beer, pool is boring, action movies are disturbing, sci-fi is dumb, Ally McBeal is cool, cleavage bearing is bad, so are short skirts, burping is embarrassing, so is farting, romantic comedies are "soooo goood", men hanging out with their friends means they don't love you anymore and they're going to check out other women, kittens are cute, snakes are scary, of course everyone gives a fuck about matching flower print full bottom underwear sets and it's so neat that you got some, alcohol must be citrus-flavored, gossip is pertinent, motorcycles are scary, so are guns, men need to kiss your ass, your nail polish is chipped, you can't open a jar of pickles, or take out the trash, wanting sex all the time is bad, withholding as "punishment" to some made up offense is a serious option, blow jobs are a drag, anal sex is "horrible and disgusting" even though you've never tried it, shopping is to be done together? Your boyfriend shouldn't complain about being dragged along to look at figurines? You advise your single mother friends to quit their jobs and go on welfare? You think you can change him? You like the fact that you have a man in your life but you hate everything he's into and expect him to stop it? You think your love will save him? You want to get married so you can wear a big white floofy dress? You want a baby so someone will love you? You've never had an orgasm? Sex has to mean something? You cut down your other female friends when they're not around? You listen to information coming from a friend of a friend of a friend? You're jealous and hate it when your friends have good things happen to them? What? That diamond ring isn't fucking big enough? I'm in HELL!!!

I don't know what it's like to care for or be cared for by another female. I can't let myself get too close to other women. I would like to but as I was growing up I can say that most of the tears I cried in school happened as a result of the ridicule of other females. Men have hurt me a lot in the last 24 years, but the more stinging blows came from women. The most memorable freeze-outs and low blows. Perhaps it's because women rely more on verbal assault to hurt someone. Women don't generally engage in good old fashioned fist fights. The nastiness is verbal, mental, networked. If a man is mad at you, generally the whole room won't also be mad at you. It's between you and him. Women seem to take sides and gang up on others. Maybe it's instictual. Some female animals kill off other females in the pack so as to eliminate the competition.

I just wish things were different. It's hard enough being a girl without having to worry about watching your back around other girls. Women are the mothers and the nurturers and the life-givers. This is a hard job. As a mother, I realized the depth of feeling you can have for another entity. It's not always a good depth of feeling either. Sometimes it's the depth of feeling that will tear your heart out and it's also something no one talks about. Another thing to be judged for if it makes you fall apart. And who will judge the harshest when we're falling apart? And who's help could we use the most? In this instance, only another female really. Too bad she's not there....

I didn't mean to rant about this but well, it's about time. It's bothered me for a whole lotta years. Maybe other women notice. I'm sure somebody does. I've yet to hear from one though. But then again I hardly ever say anything myself. So look who's talking.

It's just kind of sad. Maybe I'm alone in these beliefs. Maybe my mother's jealousy and distance warped me. Who knows?

I really need to quit this.

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rockettqween

October 2002

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